ME AND MY SHELL

I often love asking people what they thought of me at first impression (this is the kind of question where you have to be level headed and be ready to take in the answers because they can be brutal.) Many of them say I looked like a bad-ass-I -will –kick- you –in- the- face – kind of person, others say I looked like a snob, others say I seemed uptight and conservative (which I totally disagree with) and others say I looked like a wild girl-whatever that insinuates. All of the things they mentioned are true about me to some degree. Well I am confident, and since I was a young girl, I learnt how to pull a don’t-mess-with-me-poker face on cue. I usually use that poker face to my advantage when I meet someone new or someone who seems to take things lightly so that they don’t assume and think I am a push over. I am a choleric, I tend to be-let me rephrase that, I am a control freak. I love being the one on the wheel-steering, and because of that I can lean on the extreme of authoritative/dictator-yes there I said it. I am only aware of it when someone mentions it or else I can really be a pain in the @##.  

But in the past year I have become emotional, that’s the closest word that can describe my transformation. I am in touch with my emotions now,I used to be disgusted with people who cried over small things (in my head that’s what they were) but nowadays I cry easily-over a good book, a movie, someone saying something sweet to me or to someone else e.t.c. I have become a weeper. Plus I have noticed lately that I am empathetic- I may not show it but deep down I am (it’s all part of my shell).

My shell disguises my inner feelings. I don’t want people to think am gooey inside-because as I explained earlier I am a choleric and my temperament doesn’t like to show weakness which is stupid really because we are emotional beings and the mushy gooeyness is what balances the equation. 

I am a loud and chatty person, those who know me can attest- but when I am in a group (mostly made up of people I don’t know) I feel intimidated. Either because I feel I am not in their league intellectually, socially or spiritually- And I know you can relate, I usually slouch, go silent and shut down as the discussion ensues. Then comes the question, “Hey, why are you so silent? Are you OK?” 

I usually don’t know how to answer that question because I don’t have a good enough excuse, so I just end up saying, “yeah, am ok, just listening”, as I smile sheepishly. It’s Sad. I know, actually pathetic but I don’t why I do that all the time. It’s like my body and mind goes into a lock down-I don’t have esteem issues, I dealt with them in 2008 and am pretty sure nipped the bud (and am not in denial here, am being honest, I think). Any way I noticed this on Sunday when after the service a friend of mine invited me to attend a small gathering called young professionals, it’s like a bible study. I was terrified because as earlier stated-gatherings where I don’t know anyone tend to turn me dumb. He convinced me and I agreed to go. The members of the group however were running late, we were given some excuse to keep us around but I was hyper ventilating, sweating, fidgeting and acting like an introvert. My mind was on over drive- my mind was telling me to run, that this was not going to be pleasant. My pal noticed something was amiss, and came over to find out what was wrong. I shared my fear with him; he laughed it off and told me it was going to be okay. It was going to be okay? Really my body wasn’t in agreement. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went across the room told him I was leaving and started to walk away. The people I had introduced myself to started calling out,”hey Cynthia don’t leave we are starting in a bit.” But I my legs were already in motion and I couldn’t look back, I had to leave.

When I reached home, I thought to myself the people must have thought I am very rude-but I shrugged it away saying they didn’t know me any way so no harm done. I might have made very good friends and connections since it was a young professionals meet up, but my fear or is it phobia(I will look it up) made me miss that opportunity.  I realized that in my campus days there were so many groups I wanted to join but my fear wouldn’t bring me to attend those meetings. I don’t regret how my life has turned out at all but am just thinking how richer it would be if I had learnt to overcome that fear.

‘If you hear a voice within you say

 ”you cannot paint,”

then by all

means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

I first heard this quote when I was in primary school and only recently did I actually understand it. We often try to avoid people who tell us we can’t do something because they bring in negative emotions and we don’t want them around. It’s the same thing with our internal emotions and the battles we face. Just as we use someone’s negative words to fuel our success, I will do the same with MY thoughts-the ones that tell me I will fail, I can’t add anything to the discussion- I will use them to propel me into that room of strangers and interact with them. I don’t want to miss out on life just because I felt a little nauseous and light headed. I will overcome myself. I don’t want to be the reason I let ME down. I hope you will take up the challenge too-The only thing that stands between me and success is ME, or in your case YOU.

Princess Nereah

Faithful Stewardship

When Ruth Matete won the 5million shillings from the Tusker Project fame reality show, my young brother was so ecstatic. He started telling me how if it were him, he would buy a Ferrari ( which I was skeptical about because he wouldn’t be able to drive for 15years because he wasn’t legal), a house, a boat, a castle and the cherry on top, a candy factory because he loves his sweets. I listened to him carefully till he finished then reminded him that he would buy all that after he had tithed. He raised his eyebrows, and asked me how much.

I grabbed my phone and together we started calculating 10% of 5,000,000 which is Sh 500,000. And my, oh my, you should have seen his shocked face. Mouth ajar and eyes popping. “Cynthia, I am taking all this to church?” he asked. “Yes.” I answered. “God says we give him 10% per cent of our earnings and Ruth’s great singing has earned her that 5million.” Steve was in denial. He couldn’t believe that he would have to give Sh 500,000 of his 5million to the church.

I found his reaction interesting and the next day I asked some friends of mine if they would tithe the Sh 500,000. Some were skeptical, others straight away said yes and others said they were not sure. I would tithe the Sh500, 000 in a heartbeat even, because that cash is a blessing I received through God’s grace and favor and what other way to say thank you than to give it back to him. After all in Malachi 3:8-10 he explicitly tells us not to rob him and to ensure His house never lacks food and in return He will open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.

On Sunday, I attended a service at CITAM (formerly NPC) Buru Buru and they were concluding their 40 day series on Stewardship. I am glad I caught this last series because they were talking about being a good steward by keeping God’s command of diligently giving tithe and offering. 

As always God’s command is accompanied by a promise as it is written in Malachi 3:9-10 where God says, “You are under a curse-the whole nation of you-because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that they may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.”

When I read that and saw If I don’t fulfill this command I Rob God, I didn’t want to be that kind of criminal. Who really wants to rob God, huh? Not me.

Some of the lessons I learnt from the sermon.

Tithing:

a) helps the extension of the Kingdom Malachi 3:10 “ Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that they may be food in my house

b) it’s a blessing to me Malachi 3:10 “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” There is a blessing when you choose to be faithful, Malachi 3:6-12 it’s the only time God tells us to test him if we tithe.

Being a faithful steward gives me access to God's resources. Matthew 25-parable of the talent-that's why some believers are rich (blessed) and others aren't. Tithing is the key.

In Acts 10:1 we read about Cornelius, who was a diligent steward and God made the heavens open up to him. ( I fully recommend you read the passage)

7 FOLD BLESSING FOUND IN TITHING

1. Open heaven (Malachi 3:10)

2. Blessing poured out. (Malachi 3:10)

3. Blessings of over flowing abundance (Malachi 3:10)

4. Blessings of assured income (Malachi 3:11)

5. Blessings of assured productivity. (Malachi 3:11)

6. Blessings of honor and recognition (Malachi 3:12)

7. Blessings of happiness and joy (Malachi 3:12)

Tithing is a command from God, and just as God’s commands are-it is accompanied by a promise and immense blessings. You may be the one standing in the way of your blessing, so do tithe and watch what the Lord will do for you.

Princess Nereah