ME AND MY SHELL

I often love asking people what they thought of me at first impression (this is the kind of question where you have to be level headed and be ready to take in the answers because they can be brutal.) Many of them say I looked like a bad-ass-I -will –kick- you –in- the- face – kind of person, others say I looked like a snob, others say I seemed uptight and conservative (which I totally disagree with) and others say I looked like a wild girl-whatever that insinuates. All of the things they mentioned are true about me to some degree. Well I am confident, and since I was a young girl, I learnt how to pull a don’t-mess-with-me-poker face on cue. I usually use that poker face to my advantage when I meet someone new or someone who seems to take things lightly so that they don’t assume and think I am a push over. I am a choleric, I tend to be-let me rephrase that, I am a control freak. I love being the one on the wheel-steering, and because of that I can lean on the extreme of authoritative/dictator-yes there I said it. I am only aware of it when someone mentions it or else I can really be a pain in the @##.  

But in the past year I have become emotional, that’s the closest word that can describe my transformation. I am in touch with my emotions now,I used to be disgusted with people who cried over small things (in my head that’s what they were) but nowadays I cry easily-over a good book, a movie, someone saying something sweet to me or to someone else e.t.c. I have become a weeper. Plus I have noticed lately that I am empathetic- I may not show it but deep down I am (it’s all part of my shell).

My shell disguises my inner feelings. I don’t want people to think am gooey inside-because as I explained earlier I am a choleric and my temperament doesn’t like to show weakness which is stupid really because we are emotional beings and the mushy gooeyness is what balances the equation. 

I am a loud and chatty person, those who know me can attest- but when I am in a group (mostly made up of people I don’t know) I feel intimidated. Either because I feel I am not in their league intellectually, socially or spiritually- And I know you can relate, I usually slouch, go silent and shut down as the discussion ensues. Then comes the question, “Hey, why are you so silent? Are you OK?” 

I usually don’t know how to answer that question because I don’t have a good enough excuse, so I just end up saying, “yeah, am ok, just listening”, as I smile sheepishly. It’s Sad. I know, actually pathetic but I don’t why I do that all the time. It’s like my body and mind goes into a lock down-I don’t have esteem issues, I dealt with them in 2008 and am pretty sure nipped the bud (and am not in denial here, am being honest, I think). Any way I noticed this on Sunday when after the service a friend of mine invited me to attend a small gathering called young professionals, it’s like a bible study. I was terrified because as earlier stated-gatherings where I don’t know anyone tend to turn me dumb. He convinced me and I agreed to go. The members of the group however were running late, we were given some excuse to keep us around but I was hyper ventilating, sweating, fidgeting and acting like an introvert. My mind was on over drive- my mind was telling me to run, that this was not going to be pleasant. My pal noticed something was amiss, and came over to find out what was wrong. I shared my fear with him; he laughed it off and told me it was going to be okay. It was going to be okay? Really my body wasn’t in agreement. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went across the room told him I was leaving and started to walk away. The people I had introduced myself to started calling out,”hey Cynthia don’t leave we are starting in a bit.” But I my legs were already in motion and I couldn’t look back, I had to leave.

When I reached home, I thought to myself the people must have thought I am very rude-but I shrugged it away saying they didn’t know me any way so no harm done. I might have made very good friends and connections since it was a young professionals meet up, but my fear or is it phobia(I will look it up) made me miss that opportunity.  I realized that in my campus days there were so many groups I wanted to join but my fear wouldn’t bring me to attend those meetings. I don’t regret how my life has turned out at all but am just thinking how richer it would be if I had learnt to overcome that fear.

‘If you hear a voice within you say

 ”you cannot paint,”

then by all

means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

I first heard this quote when I was in primary school and only recently did I actually understand it. We often try to avoid people who tell us we can’t do something because they bring in negative emotions and we don’t want them around. It’s the same thing with our internal emotions and the battles we face. Just as we use someone’s negative words to fuel our success, I will do the same with MY thoughts-the ones that tell me I will fail, I can’t add anything to the discussion- I will use them to propel me into that room of strangers and interact with them. I don’t want to miss out on life just because I felt a little nauseous and light headed. I will overcome myself. I don’t want to be the reason I let ME down. I hope you will take up the challenge too-The only thing that stands between me and success is ME, or in your case YOU.

Princess Nereah